Inconsistency

10 July 2026

My Fixation

Last night, I was having weekend drinks with my wife. As it is Matariki today, it is a holiday here in Aotearoa, so we were celebrating the end of the work week last night.

I began to talk about a former colleague - let’s call him “Mike” (not his name). Mike and I studied together in my Master of Counselling program. He was a very friendly fellow and made the program even more interesting.

I have found myself unable to reconcile him as a counsellor with his other actions. When I was still on Facebook, he would talk about all of the things he was eating and drinking and as I knew he was a diabetic, I was shocked that he had such a disregard for his own life. Last year (a couple of years after I got off Facebook), he and I texted and he told me about having multiple body parts removed because his diabetes had gotten worse. I thought about all of those online posts of beer, spirits and unhealthy food that he had posted for years - I struggled to geniunely express surprise or sadness.

Add to this, I was less than impressed when he showed some “cubed” pork cuts and called it a “Peppa Pig Jigsaw Puzzle”. This complete lack of empathy from a counsellor was hard for me to understand.

So, I was discussing this with my wife last night and she advised me that I had mentioned this before. It seemed I was uable to let go of these thoughts. Why?

Seeking Understanding

I thought for awhile and realised that my issue was how someone could be a counsellor and have zero empathy for animals AND could be so self-destructive with their diet (note that I am not advocating zero alcohol consumption, but rather considering a high fat and sugar diet for someone with diabetes). The incongruency was hard to fathom.

If those who offer to help others with mental health issues are themselves so closed off to their own experiences, how can we expect them to be able to help others?

We expect priests, ministers and other religious advisors not to do the things they preach against. When it comes to “secular” therapists, anything goes. My wife even reminded me during our discussion that therapists are some of the most messed up people around. Perhaps this is because we imagine that therapy is somehow scientific - that these people are applying principles to heal others. Therapy is not programming, though - and it is rarely anything near scientific. It is connecting with another person on a deep level and the person who is helping you should have some credibility and competence. Should we expect more from therapists?

Perhaps the phrase, “Physician, heal thyself,” is relevent here.

Healing Ourselves

What is the point of all of this? Maybe it is that we imagine that we can “heal” others, when our own lives are a mess. Maybe it is that therapy without empathy cannot be terribly effective. Maybe it is that we are all stumbling in the dark and need to be understanding of the weaknesses of others. Maybe it is that we have all been so deluded by messages about it being “OK” to eat animals that we have lost our ability to be compassionate. Maybe we need to reconsider the skills, experience and lifestyles of those who provide mental health assistance. Perhaps lots of things to learn from this!

Until all are liberated!

Tūruapō